on starting over

sometimes i wonder why career paths can feel so complicated, i write, as i sit outside in the front yard of my parents house, my childhood home, that i humbly moved back into at the ripe age of twenty-six while in the midst of beginning again. completely starting over. throughout my twenties, i worked a full-time job, created new community, solo traveled, became a yoga teacher, almost as if everything on paper seemed to be going well — yet it felt like something was missing. something about the values i had for my life and the way i was living were slightly misaligned.

starting over in your mid-twenties can feel sort of odd, because it feels like you should be further along rather than where you are. like climbing the ladder, or beginning to find some sort of material success in the world. not finding yourself with less money than when you began your career, living at home, and feeling so completely lost in what comes next that you begin to wonder if you will ever figure it out. i moved home because i left a job that wasn’t making me happy, and after a long internal battle of questioning whether i should leave or not, i finally decided to take the chance on myself. to leave. to see what else was out there. but life quickly humbled me — bills added up, i was working part-time, and i was doing my best to make anything happen on the side, attempting to follow creative pursuits, but instead found myself hustling, stressed, and ultimately, still not satisfied in the path i was choosing.

this forced me to reckon with myself as i admitted this newfound path i was on also was not entirely sustainable. it was almost as if life sucked me down, into this dark hole, pulling me into a cave, left with just myself. demanding me to let go of everything and anything that felt forced. i guess you could say i thought leaving the job would bring me the peace i was looking for, or the happiness i was seeking in my career. i thought it would set me free from all the issues i had come across. i thought everything would click into place. and little did i know, it was only the very beginning of a long, unexpectedly challenging process, that ultimately led me to choose to start over. and while there is truth to jobs being misaligned, maybe there is truth to also giving yourself permission to explore, to question, to sit in the uncertainty and unknown of asking what it is you actually want to be doing.

the last year of my life has looked like trial and error, following curiosity, finding out what i don’t like, finding out what i do, returning back to the passions that gave me joy when i was younger and to no surprise, still very much do bring me absolute joy. there was lots and lots of reminding myself that even though i feel as if there is somewhere else i need to be, that i should have done more by now, that maybe there is nowhere else i need to be, and that maybe, i am exactly where i should be.

being in the unknown can feel rather terrifying but also it can feel like you’re swarming inside a sea of infinite possibility. like anything is possible, because there isn’t anything left to lose, but yet it can feel like you failed or that you left something that looked good on paper, to discover what feels good within you. the unknown feels like sitting in between two versions of myself. the person i was, yet not the person i will become. as my life shifts, my identity shifts, and sometimes it makes me feel insane for choosing this path when i truly could have settled. the old life dissolves and suddenly i miss it, yet i feel the dreams of my future and feel inspired.

but life will make us feel like we have to settle. like we have to stay in places we feel we should be, even if we are deeply unhappy or feel disconnected from. maybe we feel that we worked so hard to get where we are, why would we choose to change? why would we choose to begin again from scratch? but staying in places where we should be rather than where we want to be, we might dread the days ahead, or we live for the weekends, or maybe it takes a great amount of effort to find gratitude or joy because we feel clouded by the pressure of our society to survive in a certain way. like holding the pressure of a timeline on our shoulders, or the expectations that we need to have it together by a certain age, the dream job by a certain age or we feel like we’ve failed at life if we haven’t found what we want to do yet or what career path we want to pursue.

i write this while in a season of starting over. wiping the slate clean. learning how to rebuild myself from the ground up. learning that it is okay to not know, to question what may be next, to pivot when something feels misaligned, because in not settling, i know i am only getting closer to the path that will feel more like me. i am a firm believer that each of us have unique gifts that we were put on this planet to use, and that the dreams and goals inside of our hearts are there for a reason. i think a lot of the time, the dreams we have for ourselves are eagerly waiting for us to remember them.

the last year of my life has felt like one big question mark, one big i am definitely not where i wanted to be when i was twenty years old, but at the same time, maybe i am? it seems that a part of me all along always wished i would take the time to explore and try different paths. yet maybe i thought i’d stay in a job that made me unhappy because i believed that is just what people do. maybe i thought at twenty five i’d buy a house or get the promotion i pretended to want because that is just what we are supposed to do. i guess at the end of the day, i feel rather grateful, because i decided to give myself space to begin again. to choose differently. and most importantly, to quit pretending.

perhaps life is one long road of endings and beginnings, pivoting and changing, and learning to grow our careers and our lives based on what feels true to us. the dream job i had even a couple years ago doesn’t look the same it does today. and it is okay for that to change. however i find that the older i get, the more honest it becomes.

life is complicated, without a doubt, and at times i still wonder if the pivot is worth it. i wonder choosing to sit with uncertainty was really the right choice. i wonder if i will find the courage within me to choose what feels true, or if i will continue to choose what feels familiar and safe. i wonder if i have what it takes to rebuild my life or find a balance between work and passions. i hope to one day blend the two.

and at the end of the day, it may just be about trial and error. following whatever curiosity is present within us at that time. and without any doubt, there is truth that we will learn something from it, as an experience. and experiences teach us about ourselves and about our lives. about what matters and about what we value. maybe today, i value freedom, but maybe in five years i will value predictability and stability. there really is no road map other than the one within yourself.

choosing to begin again, to rebuild is an act of courage. as spring arises in the northern hemisphere i am reminded just of that. spring arrives with fresh energy, with courage, with clarity, and the reminder that we can do the same. we can begin again. we can choose to rebuild our lives. to pivot when something doesn’t feel right. even if it might feel like we’ve failed along the way, stepping into the unknown gives us the space to bloom into a new season.

as i feel uncertain about what comes next, i remind myself that it is okay to let yourself exist in between chapters. give yourself space to take the next steps. have the courage to rebuild. have the courage to take steps towards the unknown, and have the courage to begin again. have the courage to confidently walk in the direction you feel pulled to go in. even if that comes with letting your old life crumble, even in the darkest hours and depths of the endings, in all of the doubt or confusion, please remember, that the only timeline you need to be on is yours. you will find your way.